Monday, June 22, 2009

Wrestle a dress

I’ve been defeated, and let me tell you it wasn’t pretty.

Actually, it was a pretty dress. It is still a pretty dress. And after I tried it on the first time, and was packing it up to send back because clearly my idea of a size XX dress, and the dress company’s idea didn’t jive, my husband said, “Wait, you can do it.
You can lose the few pounds, it’ll be a great goal.”

My husband is a coach, works out every day and is VERY high energy so I’m pretty sure he burns fat when he blinks or breathes.

Great idea, I thought. He’s right, I can do it.

Here I am a week outside of the date when I wanted to wear the dress, drenched in sweat because of the crazy underwear contraptions I just tried on and that sucker doesn’t fit.

I can’t blame this entirely on my husband though. I admitted to my girl friends the other night that the dress wasn’t going to fit and I really wanted to wear it next weekend.

Get the ‘squeeze the poop out of you’ underwear, they said. It takes 10 pounds off and it feels great.

Great idea, I thought. They’re right, this will work.

Images of me zipping up the dress and looking like a supermodel soon rose to my mind (where I grew six inches taller in all that, I’ll never know).

Whoever thought of this ‘underwear’ might just as well call it a straightjacket. That is, if you can even get it on your body.

I once put a wet suit on inside out and had to switch it right side out. I remember thinking that was bad. Turns out, THAT was nothing.

Think caterpillar blossoming out of the cocoon, but without any grace or beauty at the end. The whole time I was squeezing into this ‘underwear,’ I was thinking – what if I can’t get out of it. Is it appropriate for my 10-year-old son to use the scissors on these things? Would that experience scar a kid?

The new ‘underwear’ didn’t work. Still couldn’t zip up the dress all the way. At this point, I’m thinking fine, I’ll wear an old dress no big deal.

Vanity kicked in somewhere between wriggling/wrestling myself out of the alleged ‘underwear’ that’ll make you 10 pounds thinner and wondering if it might be the weather – hot, humid.

Let’s try the bra that I wore with my wedding dress.

Great idea, I thought. That’ll work, I think.

Note to self and others who think that your wedding attire will fit after 15 years of marriage, three kids and a career of sitting in front of a computer: It doesn’t fit. It won’t fit. Don’t bother trying.

Needless to say, I’ve got some great new pretty pricey ‘underwear’ that makes me look like I’m 68 years old and a lovely dress that may look really good repurposed as a pillow.

I’m wearing an old dress. And having a candy bar.


Janie M. said...

That was so entertaining. I laughed and laughed while reading your post- thanks I needed that! :)

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, the joy of putting on 15 pounds of air tight underwear so you can wear a breezy summer dress. Totally defeats the purpose. I say wear the old dress with pride!


mlavra said...

That was priceless! I can so totally relate. I have a pair of jeans in my closet right now that are supposed to be my motivation jeans. Right now, they're my suck-it-in-until-you-turn-blue jeans--not a good shade for my face.

Francie_One said...

Yeah. About those "motivational" jeans. I've stopped trying mine on since I've convinced myself that I'm causing liver damage from squeezing my guts so hard.

modkidboutique said...

That was hilarious! I had to go through something similar to this for my sister's wedding last year. I blogged about my experience too. I did end up getting "the underwear" and somehow managed to squeeze into that bridesmaid dress (I had no other option) but I seriously could not breathe the entire evening and was so uncomfortable/unhappy. Needless to say, I have not worn that underwear since and probably never will again. We just need to accept the way we are and be happy with it. ;) Great story!! :)


Andrea Casey said...

you are to frickin funny i am in tears!

Beth Donaldson said...

Great post. I've been riding my bike this summer. Longest ride was 30 miles! I ride everyday to work (4 miles one way) and sometimes pedal at lunch. My diet has been pretty good, too. So go ahead, ask me how much I've lost? NOT AN OUNCE! I guess at 52 it really is harder to loose the weight. But I do have advice for you. After 30 years of marriage to the ultra skinny, high energy guy, I fattened him up! I feel better anyway.

Cyndee said...

You are perfect, just the way you are! My sister told me that a few years ago and I remind myself of that quite often.