Outdoors & Me: NOT a match made in heaven

The squirrels, who have been dislocated from our attic to the giant tree outside my bedroom window, knocked my brand new bird feeder down. The same day I put it up.

It's January and it is very cold in Michigan. With several inches of snow on the ground, my six year old and I ventured out to tie the new feeder up into the lovely burning bush where some sweet cardinals come to sit every day. It would be nice to feed them, I say.

Apparently, I said this out loud the day before Christmas because that's when my husband purchased the feeder which was deeply discounted -- $5.39 -- at the local Meijer. I know this because he said he saw my former boss there. If my husband were a woman, (we'd obviously live in another state) he would aptly make an excuse about the $5.39-bird feeder -- it would go something like this:

"Our bird feeder just broke the other day, darn squirrels. And, you know how Eileen loves nature and the outdoors! I'm going to get a bunch of these suckers and surprise her for Christmas -- I'll fill them and set them up, and ..." Well, you get the idea.

Problem number One: I'm not a huge nature or outdoors lover. There, I admitted it. I'm just really not the type. I love looking at the backyard through my windows, but the truth is I have allergies in the spring and fall; I sunburn if I'm in the sun for more than 12 minutes; and I don't do winter sports.

Don't get me wrong, I have lots of friends who are TOTALLY the nature-loving type. You know them: They look great in their hiking boots and jeans; their hats don't make them look like someone named Skeeter; when they wear long underwear, they don't look like the Michelin Man; they've spent nights (entire nights) outside -- and can sleep through the night.

That's just not me. I'm more the 'can't find two gloves that match and every jacket's zipper is broken, and I look like the Michelin Man when I wear long underwear' type. And, to top it all off, the cute hiking boots that I wore for forever just started bothering my ankle.

The ironic twist here is that I'm the mom, who, at a recent PTA meeting, said not going outdoors for recess was unacceptable.

It's completely and totally hypocritical, I know. But I don't care. Kids should go outside. Their cheeks should get rosy and they should get snow in their pants through the crack between their jacket and their coat.

Come to think of it, where are my kids ... maybe they'll fix the bird feeder.